Sharon Raydor BAMF

The Creation of Soft Shadows

and the modeling of forms

instead of being drunk or high
Sharon Raydor BAMF
chiaroscuroxvii
I'm drunk and high!

I haven't been thus way in a long time. but one of our ski coaches is leaving so suddenly for des moines. so I rank a lot tonight and even did a brew ski cuz I'm gong to miss him. yes it was her league to might. but also i made a new old friend and he schaed some o=good ass weed. I'm amazed i lived yto drive hime 2 miles. fuck its cold out. -12 i think. without wind chill. suck my dick canadians. love you tho. 

I'm other news. nothin new. boys suck or are gay. fuck that sick. i need a hot hard coock. wings are pact. fuck yeah hockey!. wings suck ho. boooooo. 

I got s 5.0. never done that before. pretty cool.nwo i have to live up to that chi. so I was taking 5 classes. but one of gar su med balls. so i dropped it. so down to 4. with is good. cuz i sik coach on weekends. fucking love ski season. a d this year is a real winter. fucking fan tactic. n=ow i si on real lake and actuarially use my nordic ski. 

i=m gald vaation over cux mom says I'm getting fag aging. yes some. but i need to get asway from her to lose the weight. now i m]nned a hot guy to help. but not a black gy. not arc\sicam just nt unto black guys. 

you know its winter when...
Sharon Raydor BAMF
chiaroscuroxvii
you drive home drunk. beer league hasn't started yet, no. but i had a shitty day and my best friend made it better with chiense food, cheesecake, and copious amounts of alcohol. luckily she lives three houses down the road, otherwise i would have just passed out next to her snoring ass. but i have ski coaching in the early morn, thus it is wiser to sleep in my own bed. but really my own bed is back in ann arbor these days. I'm so close to having a life of my own. just out of reach. 

chirstmas was eh. and what the hell chatholoci church?! changing all the words in the mass and the nicene creed?! i do not approve. don't changed something that works. more accurate translation my ass. the whole god damn religion is based on its history. hell, we should go back to the latin, then maybe it wouldn't be such a dead language. 

yes. winter is here. a year methinks. but it is glorious. and snowy. i like snowy. the skiing is fantastic. but our tiny bump is getting wuite crowded. snow on the ground draws the cwrods, who knew? i guess if it keeps my grandpa paying for my fancy apartment in the sky i shunt complain. 

so i have some special bownies. never had those before. ookies, yes. bowls, yes. joints yes. so brownies are cool. music sounds good and lettuce on bread is an orgasm in my mouth. 

i have to many stories and i don't want to stupe. ok i sleep now. 

I like to be outside. Everything happens outside. All the boys are outside. All the fun is outside.
joeyicecream
chiaroscuroxvii
I'm bringing one minute dance parties back. They are glorious things after two cups of coffee. 

It might also have something to with just watching Grease. I haven't seen that movie since 6th grade (religion class?) and I was very entertained by all the adult humor in it. Why was I watching Grease? I was painting my nails and I can never not doing something else when painting my nails. The result: 

photo-1

So along those lines. I dyed my hair. Never done that before. I am now a brunette. What possessed me? I honestly have no idea. It was a half formed consideration just a couple of days ago but after a couple of beers and the backing of my best friend I decided to be spontaneous and try it. Once. I like my original hair color a lot. So I'm just going to let this box color fade and grow out. 

So ya'll must think I have a lot of time on my hands. Grad student what? Tuesday are happy indeed as I have no class until Wednesday evenings. I could get a head start on my readings or projects, but thats what Wednesday mornings are for. But seriously, class are going well thus far. Gave a "presentation" last night. About masonry and stone construction terms. It was in a group and it was a powerpoint so me - the queen of stage fright - was surprisingly cool under the gaze of my peers. We also had to devise a game. So I and my (closest grad) friend came up a brilliant idea - at the time- and dragged the one undergrad in our group along with us. We though to bring actual bricks into class and having the kids build different bonds out of them, English, Flemmish, Dogtooth...
So, my house being built out of brick, offered to bring in 25 bricks. Good idea in theory the actual process of loading 25 dirty bricks into my car, drive the hour+ back to Ann Arbor, and carry 25 bricks into class was a PAIN. I filled a backpack full of bricks, stacked some more in my arms and staggered into class. It turned out to be a lot of fun and no one was injured. But now I have 25 bricks rattling about in my car for the next two weeks until I go home again.

In other news: I broke up with boy. We weren't actually dating so broke up probably isn't the best term but it makes sense to me. WHAT A RELIEF. I had spent a week agonizing over it. So when I get a desperate text massage from him the following sunday, I had the perfect opening. To paraphrase the text; he wanted to know why I hadn't talked to him a week and had my feelings changed? Rather then a causal 'hey whats up' he automatically thinks because I never reached out to him during one measly week, that obviously my feelings had changed. Even tho he never tried contacting me that entire week. So to me, he reeked of desperation and was way to invested in this relationship. So that cinched it for me. And like I said, perfect opening. So I texted him back and told him I took the week to think things over and that I didn't want to continue things. So yeah, text message was kind of cold hearted. At first he just sent me a text back acting all confused and wanting to know why (even though I made it perfectly obviously in my text). I don't answer. In my book I said what I needed to and its over. Then I get a second long, angry and angsty text. Pretty much ranting at me at how he deserved a phone call and how he liked me so much blah blah blah. Never answered. Yep I'm a bitch. 

But really I let it go on far to long. Lets recap:
1. First date he goes on and on about him clothes and appearance. He basically tells me how he wants me to dress with "I hate girls wearing leggings, its so lazy" and "I love going shopping with a girlfriend and telling them what I like when she tries things on" (well he said it differently then that but you get the gist) AND the really freaking thing: asking me if I wanted kids. 
2. 3rd date? - I had invited him a bar where I was with some friends. He mocks me for being a spoilt rich girl and makes racist comments (some of my friends at the bar were black) He was disgustingly rude all in all and I probably shouldn't have given him a second chance
3. His awkward hand holding and rubbing my shoulders and back. And me being like, stop touching me. 
4. Him not getting a hint and leaving in the morning after spending the night. 
5. Me not being into him, if you know what I mean. Like I told my BFF, if he tried sleeping with me that night it would've been like rape. 
all in all I KNEW pretty early into this dating thing that I wasn't into him. The end. 

So now I am definitely single and living in a college town where the males are very good looking. Its time to have fun. 

Oh! And I have three obsessions right now. Grace Slick, tofu, and Vanilla Java Porter. 



3 things
Sharon Raydor BAMF
chiaroscuroxvii
1. I am pretty sure I am going to break up with the guy I am dating. He is to much of a girl for me. He talks about his clothes, his hair, his life choices like a girl would. I'm sorry but what I really want right not is a big, strong, smelly man who will take charge and talk about  sports and drink beer. So I am going to break up. Which is making nervous because Ive never broken up with a boy before. It's going to come as a huge surprise to him because the last time he saw me we were kissing goodbye (not that I put a lot of heart into it cuz some motherfucking bitch had just crashed into my car) But I knew when we had our make out session before the crash I wasn't into him and now a week later I don't even want to answer his phone calls (I still haven't listened to his voicemail he left on sunday.) But how the fuck do I even break up with him?! As my best friend pointed out to me, I don't even own him anything he's not my boyfriend or anything. And my sister is no help at all, she just wants to know the histrionic details while she is in her usual cycle of befriending a boy, making him fall in love with her, then discard him when she gets bored. 

2. Never read Grace Slick's autobiography when drunk. She makes you want to try peyote and LSD. She is one crazy - hilarious - bitch. What is wrong with me? I was never even that into weed and now I want to try all these psyledleics. Just once. Still deathly afraid of becoming an addict of any sort. It makes me not know myself anymore. I feel a bad person for going against what was once my firm anti drugs belief. But I feel so trapped right now. I'm young and I haven't traveled enough. I haven't been truly on my own actually living. My life feels like such a mess right now even though I am perfectly set in all actuality. ALl because of my parents (and grandparents) I just want to shut my brain off and live in the moment but even when I drunk I still have an awareness. WHy can't I have a conviction of beliefs? I have a conviction of nothing. 

3. I am drunk

here's some clarification
Sharon Raydor BAMF
chiaroscuroxvii
So I'll start at the beginnng. 

Which begins with a bottle of wine. And some texting that turned into a phone call. So monday night I help myself to entire bottle of rose wine and am just chilling in bed watching major crimes  tv and texting the guy I am dating (still not putting labels on this) and he decides to call me. And we're talking, about what I cant really remember, and I mention how I love being spontanious. (A fact most of my friends can attest too and hate). And suddenly he is talking about coming in that night to see me. And I, being the tippsy, loose lipped person that I apparently am whilst drinking rose, agree. So he shows up right around midnight. We drive out to a grocery store parking lot to drop his car off so he doesnt have to pay a meter or garage. He brought a $3 bottle of red wine. We each have a glass which he spits out in disgust so I finish both. Now in our PJs we agree to watch Avengers on my laptop which quickly morphs into a makeout session. A Serious makeout session. We hardly come up for air. So much so that he even comments on how hard I'm breathing. So the kissing is fun, but I'm dissapointently not as much into it as I thought I would be. I was thinking more about how my shoulder was cramping up then anything else. So I pull the 'I'm really tired card' and we try sleeping. This guy is the WORST PERSON I"VE EVER SLEPT WITH. Any guy before we've usually been drunk enough that we pass out on top of one another and dont move the entire night. Which is how I normally sleep drunk or not. With this guy I swear, he woke me up every half hour moving about. Rolling over, shifting/ stealing the blankets, rubbing my back for no apparent reason. I was so annoyed. I just wanted to spoon the entire night through, not have an active expirence. So I wake up at the normal 8:30 absolutly exhausted and make some noise about the things I need to get done. He doesnt take the hint so i go back to sleep. Wake up again at 10:30 feeling a bit more rested but really for this guy to leave. I try to get the ball rolling even mention that I have a yoga class at 12. He doent fucking listen to me and says how he wants to take me to lunch. Well. I didn't even get breakfast let alone morning coffee. Its almost 12 before we make it out of the apartment, me dragging him away from his primping in front of the mirror. Luckily he has - finally! - has a deadline so lunch was a bit rushed. 

So I am finally driving him back to his car not even 3 miles down the street. I'm in the left lane and am going the speed limit. When this woman in a ford focus makes a left turn right into me. I clearly had the right-a-way, no light nor stop sign. So I'm a deadstop in the left lane and am freaking because between me and the woman who hit me, we are entirely blocking the southbound lanes and I'm afraid that I'll get rear ended or something. And the cause of this entire mess gets out of her car and starts screaming at me like it's my fault and how I have to call 911. So I do (still in the left lane). The operator was nice enough to direct me out of the road for which I was grateful. At this point I am shakey to holding myself together. Police shows up, takes statments. I call my dad to double check my insurance and tell him I am ok. Crazy woman who hit me can barely speak english and her accent is indesphierable. For the first time I glad boy-i-am-dating is with me for comfort and support. Police tells me that it wasn't my fault at all. Tow truck guy tells me my car is still drivable. (the other woman's car was smashed up pretty bad and smoking) So I take boy back to his car. Technically he drove there because I was still shaking. My mother calls and I have to hang up on her becuase I knew as soon as I started talking to her I wuld start crying. So drop boy off feeling terrible he was in the accident with me. Boy actually tries to kiss me. I feel nausuas. Get myself home. Call my mother back and start sobbing uncontrollably. My awesome dad sets up an autobody shop and rental car for me but I couldnt even make it out my apartment without feeling lightheaded and shakey. So I stay in bed the rest of the day (with a quick side trp to get frozen yogurt and a call to my best friend to further clear my head). 

And boy-i-am-dating sends me an ediable arragement that afternoon. I couldnt even look at it with out getting sick to my stomach. It is now hiding in my fridge behind the ketchup. 

This morning I was an adult and took my car in and got the rental. So I am now "crusing" around town in a dodge charger. It was that or a nissain cube - which isnt a real car and I refused to drive that piece of shit. But that sucks in and of itself becuase I'm still fighting my apt managment about my compact car space and a charger is even bigger then a caliber. 

In summary, my feelings are all over the place and I have no idea what to do about this guy I'm dating. But I have a gut feeling that he is not my type at all and I'm just rolling with it becuase it is nice to be wanted. (and he wants me if his hard on the other night was any indication) Thoughts my internet friends?

crash
Sharon Raydor BAMF
chiaroscuroxvii
Just had the craziest 24 hours of my life. 

Made out with the guy I'm kind of dating. He also spent the night - just sleeping! 

Got into a car accident. A woman made a left turn into me. Not my fault at all. 

Guy I'm kind of dating sends me an ediable arrangement. 

My feels are all over the place. 

Almost just sentenced an orchid to death
Sharon Raydor BAMF
chiaroscuroxvii
By giving it an icecube. but i decided not to cuz it's my roommate's orchid and it's her responsability. Just as the sunflower is my responsabilty. Therefore I must be failing because my sunflower (homegrown from my garden btw) took a nose dive off the window sill. So my roommate and I had to deal with the broken glass of a beer stein without the conventionality of a broom or mop. But the sunflower herself has been rescued and transplanted to an empty wine bottle. (yes, four days into living in a new apartment and there are already empty wine bottles) 

My dinner tonight consists of beer - magic hat #9 - and homemade french fries. I console myself with the justification that these fries are baked not deep fried and therefore healthier. The reason for such a celebratory dinner you ask? I had my first - offical - masters class this evening. It went well. Met some people who are in the same boat as I. So I have some compatriots, perhaps to be friends. The professor is good, a relaxed but engaging guy, which is a good thing because I have him for three of my four classes and he is my advisor. Today while driving to campus I - for the first time - seriously questioned why I was going back for my masters and couldn't just be like the rest of the 99% and try and get a (nonexsistant) job. So my first class went a long way to appease my doubts.

So I kinda, sorta have a boyfriend now. Not that we're anywhere close to labeling it ( at least i'm not) Long story short, he works at the same place as a very good girlfriend's boyfriend. He saw me in there with my GF and asked her BF about me. GF sets up a dinner for us to meet and we hit it off. Since that intial dinner we have had two offical dates (in my mind) but texting and long phone calls have both occured. I invited him to join me with some friends for after work drinks one saturday and he really stuck his foot in his mouth. He insulted me all night while trying to be witty and funny and I seriously doubted that our relationship was going anywhere after that. Two days after, he calls me in a tizzy to apologize. After that we still went to the pool together but then I moved to Ann Arbor and for a couple of days was having huge doubts about the whole thing. It was also that moody time of the month for me because both last night and this afternoon we had really good, fun, long conversations on the phone. So now he is back in my good graces and I am thinking about this relationship more seriously. That is the shorthand of it. 

Another big reason I was reconsidering going any further with this guy is cuz I've moved to a new, exciting city full of guys around my age. The first night, the day I moved in, I went out with my roommate. She is two years younger but has a fake and her best friend has been here three years and knows the party scene. So we ended up at some house parties that night. At both I was hit on, and grinded on by more guys then both of the other girls combined. I have no idea why all these guys where on me. I was no more provocativly dressed or any drunker then the other girls. I have never considered myself hot by any means (unless I am super drunk, but thats another story) but I guess losing some weight this summer made a huge difference. 

My best friend visited me the next day and of course we went out. But it was such a difference from the nigth before and made me realized how quickly I've out grown house parties and would rather sit at a bar with good friends and sip expensive drinks then grind on random guys and gulp jungle juice. 

Finally, two nights after that I went out again with my roommate and her girlfriend to a random house party. I wasnt near as drunk as before and had to push several guys off me. This party was funny with a decent DJ and a black light and a guy in the corner squirting glow paint water on the dancers. After we ended up on some guy's porch smoking pot. A chill night until my roommate's girlfriend went all werid on me by invting me to this brunch that i didnt even know about then later recinding the invite. I shugged it off as stupid drunken/high shit but she would not let it go and then I started to get annoyed at her. But as I explained to my roomie (who hopefully passes it on) I didnt expect an invite to begin with so the whole thing is a nonissue. But the situation made me feel so old and adultish.   

Tomorrow's entry about tonight
mit-blinkin
chiaroscuroxvii
I fucking hate this Mac laptop. I accidently clicked and slid something and lost my entire entry. I don't even want to retype it. Zero desire. All I want to talk about is my girlcrush on Mary McDonnell and how much I loved her on the lastest Major Crimes episode. My new apartment is a pretty sweet crib on the 12th floor of a brand new high rise in pretty much the heart of the Big Ten campus University of Michigan. I have a flat screen tv at the end of my bed. Perfect set up for drinking beer and squeeling over Mary Mcdonnell Major Crimes.

This is the part were I talk about my turntable. again. The system is SICK. The new transciever/amp/whatever is working perfectly with the attic salvaged speakers. The sound quality is very good considering the speakers have lost their covers, have been accidently painted and have spliced and stripped (by yours truely) speaker wire shiftily connecting them to the transcriver/amp/whatever box. Which is precariously balanced on the peach crate full of old records (the nails are starting to fall out) on top of the whole mess is the turntable who doesn't like when I physically move the needle - it likes to do it itself. Everyone who has seen the whole retro mess so far is very impressed and leds me to wonder when did I turn into such a cool kid? The wall above the record player system and around the tv is covered in vintage posters (recovered from the record albums themselves) a few recent purchases of mine along with other art works, magazine cut outs, canvases, postcards, and other eccentric things I decided would make a cool collage on my wall. Here's an idea: 

39a0fd6cf63c11e1ad5c123138100de9_6.jpg
It's still a work in progress. But I am very happy at how my room is turning out. I just bought a wire today that hooks my ipod up to the speakers. But so far I've fallen asleep listening to a record. My favs are my two Bob Dylan records and the one Jefferson Starship a close third. 

TBC


*headdesk*
Sharon Raydor BAMF
chiaroscuroxvii
So I was ridiculously proud of myself for replacing the belt on my "new" turntable and actually getting the thing spinning. So the next step is to hook up the amplifier and dig some speakers out of the attic. So I root around in the garage looking for my dad's old amp. I Find it, dust it off and carry this heavy box up to my room. Thought it was a bit weird that it had a big radio tuner display but shrugged it off. Only to discover - via my father - that it was just that. Only a radio tuner. *facepalm* So I lug the thing back to its spot in the garage and go online to look up what an amp actually is because the one that was supposed to be there is no where to be found. The internet tells me the amp is a small box with a couple of plug ins and about $30. Finally a break! Something smaller then 20+ lbs. So I walk into BestBuy yesterday afternoon (a bad idea when dressed up for a date cuz then all the nerdy guys working there stare) only to discover that the amps I was looking at online are actually pre-amps and what I really need is this giant box with a phono input ( something is is becoming rare apparently) and this monstrosity of a box is cheapest $130. Well this box looks suspiciously like something we have plugged into our tv at home and never use. So just this morning I dig the thing out of the cabinet, unhook it from all these random wires just to plug it in. It would not turn on. Hence *headdesk*. You'd think that with the way technology going the way it is, they'd be able to downsize the amp a little bit or make a special one with phono input for us peeps going for the retro look with vinyl. Keep your fingers crossed that when I get around to getting the speakers out of the attic, they actually work and have good sound quality otherwise I'm out another hundred bucks.  

"God save the queen/God save America"
Sharon Raydor BAMF
chiaroscuroxvii
I'm sorry. I love the British, having spent a chunk of time living in their country I really do. But every time their national anthem plays I sing the American version. Because well, American - Fuck yeah! 

But really nothing makes me happier then the Olympics. All I do anymore is sit n front of the tv and watch the Games. (Thanks time zone for making that one possible) I wasn't to impressed with the opening ceremonies - celebrating health care? - but nontheless, very entertaining. I have been patiently waiting for track & field to start, but got pretty excited watching some of the soccer matches being played up in Newcastle at St. James Park, bouncing up and down in my seat screeching at the tv; "i was there! I was there!" then immediately messaging one of my british friends to ask why he wasn't going to any venues when one was occurring right in his backyard. (Something I think is extremely silly because it's only about 60 quid for a train ticket and 3 hour ride to London especially when this guy is a huge sports fan, knows some of the British track and field team and is not living off the dole and therefor can afford an venue ticket. Lazy is what I say) Americans are pretty dominate in swimming and there have been some great races but what I love about the Olympics is that I can cheer for Phelps, Lochte, and that cutie Nathan Adrian but also cheer for - along with my dad- a lone Hungarian swimmer who shows up from time to time. Rowing is fun to watch especially since its such a tradition in the UK and i caught some of the equestrian cross-country and archery. And while gymnastics is always impressive, I hate the pettiness of the announcers who always give the primetime broadcast a sour taste. However the women's marathon goes off on Sunday and I can't wait.

Also in big news; I've uncovered my parent's record collections - majority being my dad's - along with a very nice turntable. I am pretty pumped about this. The turntable needs a new belt which I ordered online for $14 and my dad was getting pretty excited about setting up a sweet sound system for my new apartment. I've already organized all the records I want alphabetically and by year in a peach crate and am already planning on buy some more. There are some albums that have been signed - most of them by Crosby, Sills, and Nash - in the collection along with quite a few classics. For some reason there is a ton of Chicago which neither of my parents like, and apparently my mom was a huge Doors fan. Some of the records are my dad's first wife's which is strange to be confronted with actual evidence that my dad was previously married. My parents were laughing at me because I was complaining about how heavy the turntable was and how I thought there were speakers already attached. But no, I need an amp and L and R speakers along with the 20 lb. turntable and crate of 100+ records. I still think its awesome. 

So I am all set with classes and an apartment for the fall. The Apartment is in downtown Ann Arbor on the east side of the city so I can shoot over to my evening classes no problem. It is brand new, not even completed which means I can't move in til the end of the month and my grandpa has decided to pay my rent. So all in all a pretty sick set up and I can not wait to get out of the house. 

So there is this boy I work with who I think, in his mind we are dating. And it is really starting to bug me. It started off with me offhandedly mentioning I had needed someone to go up to Traverse City with me for the weekend. I ended up going alone and having a blast, both sea and river kayaking, having dinner in the morgue of an old insane asylum and hard cider tasting, but it would've been nice to have brought someone with me because the friend I was staying with had to work all Saturday afternoon so I ended up wandering around town for a bit before driving home. So then I had invited all my friends from Nike over for a bonfire and this guy is the only one who shows up. A bit awkward there but I made the best of it. At this point this guy has friended me on Facebook, found me on Twitter and Instagram. He then asks me to go bowling the following SUnday night telling me it's really cheep for unlimited games and some of his friends will be there. His friends "bailed" but we ended up playing seven games in a row and since I hardly ever go bowling it was fun. He then invites me to go the see the new Batman movie and makes me come to his house so we can drive to the theater in his new car (which he won't shut up about) even though he only lives five minutes away and it would've been easier to meet there. I had to actually force money into his hand to pay for my ticket and couldn't look him in the face while we were talking during the previews because his breath was so bad. Now he won't stop inviting me bowling and I keep saying no because, A. I only like bowling once in awhile B. I have to drive down to him (not that big a deal) C. I am not attached to this guy at all. He is a redhead, bad teeth, bad breath, not very smart, super skinny (as I told a friend I like guys with twice his muscle mass) and can only seem to talk about baseball. Just this past weekend when a bunch of people were in the break room talking about our Saturday night plans I mentioned how I some friends were meeting at my place then we were all going out to a local bar. And he *invited himself along* even though they were my friends from high school, one of them was going to be DD for us, and this guy is not a drinker. So he shows up. It is somewhat awkward, we don't pre game properly since I had rushed home from work to find my friends waiting in my driveway and we all pile in my friend's car to go to the bar. The bar is chill, the Olympics are on the big screen, no one can hear anyone talk. He refuses the round of shots I buy (very delicious watermelon ones btw) and only has one beer the entire night. Sometime past one we decided to go to a 24 hour dinner and he demands that my friend drive hime back to me house so he go home because he had work tomorrow afternoon (when I had work tomorrow morning). he really put a dampener on the entire evening, and I was both mad and embarrassed. Now he won't stop texting me the most inane things which I refuse to reply to. Luckily he goes back to school next week. 

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